Pushing People Away Because of my Negative Spiral

You don’t have one problem. You often have a bunch of problems interconnected with each other and feeding each other their negative emotions. Let’s assume that you think too much. It is likely that you are also a panicky and nervous type of a person. This nervousness catalyzes your overthinking nature, which further enhances your panic, which leads to more nervousness.

One of the most negative things you can do is to make people prove their love for you. I don’t understand why would anyone want to push the one he/she loves away. I think that they want Newton’s third law to apply here. They think ‘the harder I push away, the stronger they will want to come back’. It works for the first few times but not after that. Eventually, people will push you away, never to return. A similar situation can be seen in the question below. The person asking the question clearly has issues. However, I am glad they realize this and want to get over it. Read on to know more.



Here is the complete question:

It’s the same destructive behaviour all the time but despite how miserable it makes me I can’t stop doing it. It’s like there’s part of me likes hurting people and pushing my luck with them, then there’s the other part of me that really feels genuine remorse for how I treated them and miss them.

Answering this question was very complicated and I could have written a thesis on what I felt about the situation. However, I tried to limit my answer and give the most reasonable example I could find from my personal experience.



Here is my answer:

Warning: answer may seem rude.

You have trust issues.

You have low self-esteem.

You are selfish, narcissist and probably depressed.

I have a feeling you also pay attention to ‘pictures with quotes’ on social media platforms a lot. May not be true but I feel that way reading the question.

So, I am answer this question without any judgement. There is a story I need you to read before I suggest something. Be patient. I am trying to help. Here is goes.

 

It could be difficult to make people believe that there is a problem. It is even more difficult to make them believe that you are trying to help them. Most of the times, they think that you will hurt or mock them and this creates an explosive situation. I tried my best to ensure that I narrate the problems of the person by giving another real life example and explaining that things look really awkward from a third person point of view. Here is the story.



 

I know a girl who was quite overweight. She thought that people hated her because of her weight which was untrue. Her friends and family actually loved her a lot. She also thought that people came to her only when they needed stuff and vanished when she had problems. Truth be told, she tried to become everyone messiah to prove her self worth to herself and when she was in trouble, she never told anybody. She thought that people will somehow detect that she has a problem while she is putting on her smile. Again, impossible expectations from people. Do you have the same kind of expectations? Maybe.

So one fine day, this girl decided that she will lose weight no matter what. She opted for a disastrous crash diet, lost 30 kgs in 6 months (yes!) and thought that she had her self confidence back. She did not. While crash dieting, she became extremely rude to everyone around. In part, it was because of nutritional deficiency and lack of sleep because of her newfound diet. In part, it was because she thought she had achieved something out of this world by losing weight.

Now that she had lost weight, she got compliments at first. Everyone appreciated her and she became the center of attention for everyone. She loved this attention. Do you love this kind of attention too? Maybe.

However, people started to treat her normally instead of a ‘queen of transformation’. Her self-worth went down the drain and she became resentful, angry and depressed again. While trying to be the queen, her friend circle and family had been offended to the limit. They stuck with her nevertheless. She gained weight again, this time a whopping 40 kgs (10 kg more than her previous weight) and her negative emotions kept piling up. She kept thinking that people only judge her, want to see her on the ground and wish to create troubles in her life when nothing really was true.

She liked drama. Impossible love stories. Stories of people passing great boundaries for the sake of their emotions. Her friends and family loved her but they didn’t have to prove their love by robbing a bank for her. Do you love drama too? Maybe.



As long as I have known her, she remains a self-centered drama queen who emotionally robs people, destroys their self-worth to look cooler by comparison. She says things that would make any sweet heart bitter, she would suggest things that could break anyone’s heart and confidence and she would do things that would push people to their limits. She wanted to see if people still loved her. Do you like to see this too? Maybe.

Every time people went way, she said that they didn’t deserve her truthful words. Every time people stayed, she felt that they don’t deserve her respect because they stay even after such huge, derogatory theatrics. Do you feel something familiar? Maybe.

She continues to do this to people around her and let me tell you, she is never short of people. Do you know why? She appears very sweet, innocent, harmless and friendly at first. So people are barely able to recognize her crazy antics.

 

Do stories even mean anything? If you pay close attention, then stories could be the mirror to your own life and help you understand your emotions and acts in a way that even a counseling session cannot. This is what I said next.



 

What has this got to do with you? Nothing and everything. If you are able to feel some connection with this story, then maybe you have understood what I am trying to suggest. A person in a negative spiral is like a black hole. She/he tries to pull everyone else into their dark abyss, hurt people so they can never love back. I you were around me, I would have never, ever talked to you or even thought about comforting you when you were sad. I will have thought that it is just another trap to gain attention and find a new punching bag.

However, you must be appreciated because you understand your behavior and recognize that there could be something wrong in the way you treat people. Congratulations! This is your first step and hard work has already been done.

Now, all you have to do is take a paper and write the names of all people that you know. Think and try to remember everything that those people did for you- good or bad, big or small and right in front of it, write everything that you did to them- good or bad, big or small. You will see that people who are close to you always want good for you. If you feel that they deserve more than what you gave them, call them. Write a letter or email to them. Ping them and let them know that you are sorry and you are thankful for everything.

I am sure you will have more clarity of mind and will be able to move on a path of trust and mutually beneficial relationships. Keep this paper with you at all times. Whenever you deviate from your path, look at it and remind yourself that goodness does exist and love is in small things too.

Drama is best left to the stage, to the books and to the movies. 🙂 🙂 🙂

How to get rid of these people? I will answer these questions in subsequent posts. Till then, try to show some gratitude to people who deserve it.

2 thoughts on “Pushing People Away Because of my Negative Spiral”

  1. I don’t want to say this but I have also been through this stage in my life. You opened my eyes but I am still finding it difficult to change my behavior Neha its so difficult.

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